I was nervous because I’d been bed-bound for six months – I literally hadn’t got out of bed, even to go to the loo – and I’d got so depressed and anxious. Even though I was desperate for things to change, I had so many fears.

I was putting up a lot of barriers, thinking of negatives like, ‘How am I going to get there?’ I booked the ambulance transport, but in the end I improved so much that I didn’t need it.

It’s just wonderful. It’s such a beautiful space – there’s beauty everywhere you look, in the gardens and inside. It’s so uplifting being around the carers, the volunteers and the companions, and they’re all so kind and caring.

Just to have company is wonderful, because I’m on my own a lot. And the outings were fantastic. Honestly, if you’d said to me six weeks ago that I’d be feeding an elephant by hand, I would’ve said, ‘No way! Don’t be ridiculous.’

It’s amazing what you’ve made happen. You’re like miracle workers really. Nothing’s too much. It’s, ‘Yeah, we can do that!’ Get you out, put the wheelchairs in the car and get them out at the other end. You see solutions rather than problems. In day-to-day life, when you get ground down by the drudge of things, I tend to see problems and then don’t do things, and so I don’t have the quality of life that maybe I could. It’s that brilliant positive attitude.

I’ve had such fun – Mandy playing the keyboard yesterday, people dancing, and having a big cry as well, because the music was so moving. One morning I just needed someone to talk to, and one of the carers was so helpful, just listening.

I’ve been out in the garden nearly every day, and they’ve taken the time to take me everywhere. I had a bath – the first in seven months. I felt so different afterwards. It really soothes your nervous system somehow. Whether it’s the negative ions or what, I don’t know, but it’s like being cleansed energetically as well as physically. And they were so good. They were there, but not in the way. She said, ‘I’m going to be quiet now, just pretend I’m not here – this is your time.’ That was really great.

Being ill for such a long time, you just get lower and lower. Before I was seriously ill, I had daily spiritual practices and a connection with the divine. Then, through getting seriously ill, I got so low that I couldn’t motivate myself. I didn’t have access to it any more. And just yesterday I remembered what it was like to feel the divine – to see it in everything, in every living thing, and the non-living things as well. It’s such an amazing feeling, like everything’s going to be okay. A sense of trust, and of the rightness of things.

I am very ill. It could be terribly sad and there might be suffering, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just part of life. The light in the dark – it’s all part of life.

I feel like I’m being cracked open. I had to lock down into survival mode the whole time I was stuck in bed, because it was so horrific. I couldn’t move – I couldn’t even turn on my side. I was just numbed out from any emotion. I knew I had deep sorrow, but I couldn’t express it. Then this week cracked me open, and I started sobbing yesterday when Mandy was playing. When you numb out, you don’t feel your sadness, but you don’t feel any happiness either.

I feel like my heart has been loosened and freed and opened. It might only be temporary, because it’s so uplifting here and home life is difficult – much more of a daily drudge, and I’m hugely bored and limited. But to have experienced it, and to know that I can experience it and it’s here, just blew me away.